MY THOUGHTS ON THIS SEASON'S MEANING....

MY THOUGHTS ON THIS SEASON'S MEANING....
I'd like to share w/you a very touching Christmas card message I received from our art center coordinator Leona M Rega...it made me feel so warm, proud and happy inside. But first a little personal story...
A couple days ago I allowed...ALLOWED... an acquaintance of mine to make me feel inadequate as a mom and a woman. This person insists women need to go back 300 yrs to when we were subservient to men and our place was in the home,kitchen and bedroom, and further thinking we should wait hand and foot, dress only for a man and never for ourselves, never touch a tool, cut a lawn, try to do car work, and even further she says any man who helps with housework is a "sissy" and that women today want to turn our men into women (lol)...but how I let her hurt me was her opinion that I should not work, but since I must as a single parent, it should be strictly 9am to 3pm while Nick is in school, that its wrong for me to work nights as a nurse, caring for another family's child while "pawning" my youngest off on his older sibling during the night...I dont know why it stirred up the anger and hurt it did in me. I tried to explain the necessity of a good job to support my family, and the pride I take in my work and also all the things I'm trying to do in addition...but she is apparently a bitter, closed minded, and slightly off balance person. She got downright nasty, and it turned heated...In a perfect little world I'd have had a model husband, perhaps be a stay at home mom, not have to work so much and be so tired all the time, always pay bills timely and with no worries etc...but thats not my reality, and once I detached myself from the sick opinions as well as this person, I saw clearly, I wouldn't really WANT all that...my life has made me who I am, all my struggles, successes and experiences. I don't have much to give others, but I try to give of myself, and I know I'm a loving mom, productive person, a good nurse and am now a valuable part of my community as well. I have wonderful kids, who even tho have some of their own struggles, are close and supportive of our family. My 21yr old son doesn't feel his little brother is pawned off on him while I work. We are supporting one another in the best ways possible so we can survive. I learned a lesson, that altho I'm the person who always tries to see others' views, and sometimes goes too far to try to understand but make them see a different view, there are just people who will always be negative, opinionated, jealous, and try to drag you down. I saw its a problem in her life and not my own...
This Christmas season, I learned that the best gifts are of family and friendship, and that expressions of appreciation are more priceless than gifts to open...the message in my card from Leona was I think one of my most precious this year, coming at a moment I need to look at the fine person I know I really am....

"Dear Kathleen...It is that time of year when moms like you and me run, run, run and try to accomplish all that we can to make sure our family has the best Christmas ever. Gifts are on everyone's mind and we stretch all our pennies to make sure we don't disappoint!
You Kathleen, give special gifts all the year through. You give gifts of kindness each week to your craft class children, you give the gift of patience, you behold the gift of love to those around you. You give the gift of peace in seeking harmony with others. You give the gift of selflessness, and most of all, the gifts of your time which is so precious. Thank you for sharing these gifts with me this year. I am thankful to have worked with you for the past several months...Leona"

Thank YOU Leona

The Girl I am Now....

I was always this girl...so far in life it hasn't gotten me much more than being hurt and used, spent like money, left alone to start over yet again...So now I'm the girl who would rather grow her own roses, spend Friday nights at home having a blast playing guitar like I'm entertaining at a party, would rather make people happy who are incapable of giving back but are appreciative and would if they could, would rather watch TV with my kids or a great friend, would rather stay up all night at my job knowing I am the one who has always provided for my family. I'm the girl who would rather hold the hands of children as they trust me to teach them new things. I'm the girl who promises to love myself, my family, friends and the sweet earth more than anyone could possibly dream of. I'm the girl who would give anything of herself to see the world smile...

Utterly Amazing...

I find it so utterly amazing 

the way in which life begins to richly unfold before you, 

when you simply open your mind 

and like a sponge become absorbent of all the new ideas 

and things going on and being said around you. 

Many people state "

When one door closes, another always opens" 

and thats truth...

but I believe, 

when you open one new door, 

a thousand windows in the room to which that door opens, 

also open,

 and a current rides in on the breeze 

carrying a million new opportunities, ideas, and lessons. 

You become like a blind man receiving his sight,

 suddenly being opened up and exposed to all the fresh knowledge around you. 

I know, because I am in the midst of this experience. 

I never would have imagined that a simple set of creative decisions, 

could lead me to a higher state of understanding myself and the universe around me...

to a hunger for unity between my own soul,

 my mind,

 and the entire earth. 

But that is what is occurring...

and it is unequivocally amazing...

Changing Beliefs

My views aren't changing...they're evolving
I'm not troubled...I am solving
I am thinking... I'm exploring
looking farther...not ignoring
I am growing...and i'm learning
for a deep truth I am yearning
just because some say its so
does not mean they really know
I must find... on my own
both the concrete and unknown

Feel the answers when they come
peaceful clarity...not numb
Love of earth...life of love
circles forming...light above
All together...we are one
on this rock beneith the sun.

-Kathleen M. Quinn-Farber
10/7/12

Doing Things For the FIRST TIME

When's the last time you ever did something for THE FIRST TIME??

Some ppl NEVER do things "for the first time"...
sadly, that used to be me as well...
but not anymore! 
I try to do things "for the first time" ALL the time now...
it's like a way of life thats necessary for my happiness,
 in fact its almost lik

e some sort of "drive"....

gee let's see ..

just in the last 6 mo. all for the first time, 

I've become a volunteer, 

talked on the radio, 

become an art n crafts teacher, 

grown new vegetables and herbs and used them all, 

been done up in extreme make-up and acted in a real movie, 

done 2 recorded video interview programs, 

met and spoke to celebrities, 

read poetry and sang and played guitar on stage in front of an audience, 

made new recipes, 

performed more skilled nursing procedures,

and for the very first time since the age of eighteen

I'm totally out of any relationship or even dating scenario!

I'm 100% just ME...and loving it!

 geez I'm sure I've missed something. Life is great :-)

Here to Explore

The world we live in is a vast array of infinite experiences 
and a constant opportunity to press against the "boundries" society places around us. 
The world we see around us is but a small portion of the world that exists within the capabilities of our minds. 
To ignore or deny such truths would be foolish. 
I was placed here to explore, 
but while I may not have the means to explore the world's physical terrain in the way I may desire to, 
I have the vast expanse of my mind to use as a portal 
to pass thru to myriads of experiences and insights into the universe around me 
and of which I am only a miniscule component :-)

The Difference Between Artists and the Rest of You

Interesting...
the difference between artists and what I call "regular people" 
and something that I just became acutely aware of while filling out a silly profile 
that asked my favorite music, movies, books and so forth...
"regular people" are happy enough just to "consume" what others give them, 
whether it be to listen to, 
watch or read. 
Favorite bands and music? 
Altho loving just about every genre, 
I most

 enjoy creating, playing and singing my OWN. 

Favorite movies? 

Love several types, and watching a movie is fun, 

but WOW, nothing comes close to BEING in one and being a part 

of the excitement that goes along with being involved in the making! 

Favorite books...many types, many titles...

but I've been writing my own fiction, nonfiction, poems, lyrics, articles, 

ALL my LIFE, 

and that is where my passion lies. 

ARTISTS...hmmm...

well for me just like real cooking, 

when it comes to all the afore-mentioned...

I'd rather be doing the cooking than the eating, 

the creating than the consuming, 

the feeding instead of being fed :-)

Encouraging Pride in Kids

my rambling thoughts while cooking.....

"and maybe if we caught the children in our town reeeally young, 
and we taught them SPECIFICALLY about the colorful history of our area, 
and we instilled pride and motivation in them, 
and encouraged their good deeds for others, 
and taught them HOW to do good for others (cuz sadly fewer and fewer are taught that anymore)...
exposed them to the culture our area pr

ovides...

not a passing yearly field trip, but on a regular basis...

and we truly SUPPORTED their sports and music endeavors

 and allowed them to CELEBRATE their pride in their school and town...

MAYBE THEN would the youngsters grow into people who truly care about and have pride in

 this little town called Tamaqua...

and it will rise up and flourish (more so even than it is NOW due to recent dedicated ppl and programs)...

Thats what I'd like to see :-)"

Encouraging Young Talent

I don't EVER wanna hold my talented little boy back the way I was held back...
told my talents were "Good n nice" 
but not a real means of anything. 
Even if they never make me money, 
they make me something MUCH more valuable...
pride, joy, happiness, excitement....
the feeling of my heart pounding with joy abt something I LOVE! 
So if he wants to do drums (which he does) I will make it possible. 
If he 

wants to try guitar as well, I will not hold him back and say he must focus on just one thing.

 And if he wants to learn Ukulele, by george, I'll make that happen too.

 As long as he remembers that his education is also important, 

I will be the Mommy who stands in front of him to pull him along, 

the mommy who pushes from behind, 

the mommy who ALWAYS says 

"You CAN do anything you want!"...

Reactions....

Just sitting here pondering over the array of reactions I've been getting past 2 months concerning my zombie role in a movie...
from uproarious laughter 
to wide-eyed gazes, 
to outspoken rejections and opinions 
to really weird "OMG" faces. 
I especially find it interesting and just a little baffling
 that some people who otherwise appreciate the arts, 
seem to be at odds with this particular role. 


HELLOOOOO......
 its a      ROLE. 

I'm not worshipping the devil,

 dabbling on the darkside, 

abandoning my faith in the higher power of my understanding...

and I'm not going to chase you down the street and try to eat your brain lol. 

Nor am I a "zombie-freak." 

I am so excited about what I'm doing! 

Its fun and exciting, and its about the transformation with the art of make-up, the art of story-telling and the visual arts of film. 

Its about letting your wilder, crazier inner personality have an outlet that it seldom if ever gets. 

Its about getting a taste of the ins and out of indie film-making, and being part of a team of dedicated people.

 Its about a lot of hard work and a lot of fun, 

and about the pride and joy of seeing it come together with success and be talked about by venues of importance.

I understand this is not what you are accustomed to seeing from me, 

and maybe its unsettling. 

I'm sorry...

no, I'm not sorry, but I apologize, if it is offensive to any family or friends. 

I am going to continue doing what makes me happy, excited and fulfilled...

I may very well continue in the visual arts, and I DEF am going to continue all my writing and singing and guitar playing, and my interest in teaching the arts to children, and so on!! 

Why?..

because the way I was living before, "inside the box" so to speak, and governed by others 

was offensive to ME...

and thats not me anymore. 

I don't have my balance in life even NEAR all ironed out yet, 

but my heart swells knowing and FEELING that I am finally on the right track.

 Thank you for all the family and friends who support all my endeavors present and future. 

My Value as a Nurse

Is my value as a nurse weighed really by my skill, or by my comfort and care to a family who trusts me with their child??


A few weeks ago, I pondered a question about my worth as a nurse...
whether it is measured by skill...
by earning power...
Well, it is measured by heart most of all ive concluded. 
When you give your best to care for someones child,
 only doing what comes as a natural part of caring, 
and from your heart,
 not expecting anything in return...
and a mother tells you she wants to thank you 
for that tender care you share and give to her child...
well...
that to me is what measures my worth as a nurse.
 I really cant say there is a more heartwarming feeling... :-)

Appreciating Others

Sometimes the most valuable gift we can give someone,
 is a "Thankyou",
 "I appreciate you",
 "I agree with you"...
or a gesture of caring that reflects the true baseline relationship of love and trust between human beings.
 There are times our friends may be on the brink of desperation in their lives, 
and altho we may not fully know, 
our outreach of love and friendship is crucial...maybe to life itsel

f.

 I think that beyond all the hype and confusion,

 and day to day static thats everywhere and between everyone, 

there is a baseline...

where one must love and support another. 

Hold them up and showcase how special they are...

how great a friend, or co-worker, 

or volunteer, 

or whatever it may be. 

Sometimes knowing you are just the slightest bit relevant to someone else or their lives, 

makes the decision for them

 between

 "FUCK IT ALL", 

or

 "I feel like I can do this"...:-)

Trial and Error

Some ppl are nothing like you really thought they were, 
and some are so much more than you ever thought they would be or could be. 
Sad thing is 
you dont know who's who, 
and its by trial and error you usually find out...

Time to set it to music...

So I spoke with James this AM, about the song we worked on together in 2007, and he made another suggestion or two...so I'm going to change it a bit and change the title...and its time to finally work up a melody...

LOVING YOU IS BREATHING IN

(a collaboration)

At times i feel locked in a shell 

everything is goin to hell

thoughts are spinning in my head

parts of me are feelin dead

Then the music brings me back

makes my sad, mad thoughts relax

and understand the sounds within

that loving you is breathing in

I feel a pounding in my chest

in my mind I'm free I'm free

I'm falling so in love again

with my guitar my dearest friend

chorus:

my solitary mate

my love

you talk to me

as I play you

my lover

my best friend

reflection of my soul

you play me

as I play you

And when the song and dance is through

and i am all alone with you

to dream and play and sing some more

to know what i've been searching for

i do feel love from those i hold

who make me warm when i am cold

and understand the sounds within

that loving you is breathing in

as notes n words surround me now

i rush to write all of them down

I'm falling so in love again

with my guitar my dearest friend

chorus:

my solitary mate

my love

you talk to me

as I play you

my lover

my best friend

reflection of my soul

you play me

as I play you

11/28/07 (revised 4/30/12)

kathleen m farber

james m balogach

In Love Again...

A song I wrote in collaboration with my friend James Balogach (of Poptart Monkey fame and later Shoot the Moon) back in 2007...its about falling in love...not with a person...but with your guitar :-)

In Love Again:

(a collaboration)

Sometimes i feel locked in a shell

like everything is goin to hell

and thoughts are spinning in my head

maybe i'd be better off dead

Then the music brings me back

and makes my sad, mad thoughts relax

to feel the pounding in my chest

in my mind I'm free I'm free

chorus:

my solitary mate

my love

you talk to me

as I play you

my lover

my best friend

reflection of my soul

you play me

as I play you

And when the song and dance is through

and i am all alone with you

to dream and play and sing some more

to know what i've been searching for

i do feel love from those i hold

who make me warm when i am cold

and understand the sounds within

that loving you's like breathing in

as melodies surround me now

i rush to write all of them down

I'm falling so in love again

with my guitar my dearest friend

chorus:

my solitary mate

my love

you talk to me

as I play you

my lover

my best friend

reflection of my soul

you play me

as I play you

11/28/07

kathleen m farber

james m balogach

From "Earth Hour" Mar. 29, 2008

Earth Hour...what we learned...
Tonight was when Earth Hour 2008 took place, from 8 to 9 pm. I heard about it several weeks ago and knew it was something I wanted to be involved with in some way. You see, I am very concerned about the earth I live on, ...worried actually, and feel as tho it is being horribly used and abused, spent, depleted...trashed. I continue to be amazed by the amount of people who dont care, or they may care, but dont give any thought to it...not enough thought to try to change anything. Even those who do care enough to maybe try to change something, are sadly thinking that they are just one person in a big wide world, and so what they do will ultimately mean nothing anyway...so why really try.
It was this thought process that brought about the concept of Earth Hour. It is a means of bringing together people...hundreds of thousands of them...all over the world, and having them all do one single act of conservation that will make them, as well as those observing, realize that a single candle is part of a far reaching bright light...one that CAN make a difference. Earth Hour is supposed to raise awareness of global warming...but it has a greater impact I think on our ideas about energy and its use...and misuse.
Perhaps next year I will get involved on a much higher level...I think its something I would love to do. My family has probably noticed I talk more and more all the time about "going green" and becoming someone who does not want to take from the earth without giving back...someone who does not WANT to take anything from the earth that I can not replace, and someone who just wants to become more "as one and at peace with" the earth. Many people think this is "looney"...oh well...please dont ask me if I care what they think... But anyway, for THIS year, I decided to keep it at home, in my own family. I wanted to do it for my own satisfaction, and also to make an impression on my youngest son, who is 6 yrs old and at his most impressionable right now.
A few days ago I started talking about Saturday night and what we were going to do...and why. The first thing I noticed was that in telling my kids to turn out lights when not in use, or TVs and stereos, I realized I leave things on MYSELF alot more than I thought. My awareness was already beginning! The next thing I noticed was how receptive my child was to the ideas I was presenting. I know ALL kids would be. We sometimes mistakenly think that because they are presented with ideas and things at school, that they are learning them. We seldom realize that we as parents are their greatest teachers and influences...and kids are our greatest imitators.
Tonight we turned off our lights, TVs, computer, and music...for a solid hour. I had run to the store for a few fresh candles in pleasant scents to burn, and stopped to put gas in the car. I ran into someone I miss and havnt seen in some time, and oh how I wanted to stay and talk...but what was happening tonight was really important, and I had to be home by 8pm. And so I rushed home and got inside at almost 8, having just enough time to set up my candles. There on the sofa sat my little Nicholas, and on TV was something he has been waiting impatiently for all week...The Nick Kids Choice Awards. In an instant I felt alittle crushed . He had a big smile on his face as he watched. I said "Its time", lit the candles and went room to room turning everything off....everything but the livingroom TV Nick was watching so adoringly. I couldnt do it. I began to feel alittle weak, ashamed kindof, and began to wonder if my message would still be effective if we allowed the TV to remain on for him.
At that moment something incredible happened as I sat down saying nothing. The room went black except for the flicker of the three candles on the diningroom table. Nick had turned off the TV.
You need to understand what this meant to me...because it is REALLY big! It meant to me, that what I had explained to my child, was understood and appreciated. It meant that he at his tender age could understand on some level the meaning of sacrifice. It meant that he was able to, and DID, make a choice, without being told to or asked to. It meant that this whole global thing that someone came up with, impacted at least two lives that I was sure of...mine and my son’s. It was beautiful actually...touching...and so very important and meaningful. My heart continues to swell as I think about it.
So, we sat in the darkness gazing over the candles. We talked about alot of things in that hour...and learned alot. We talked about energy and waste, polar bears losing the ice they must live on, water rising to where it shouldnt be, the world growing too hot. We talked about our ancesters and how they didnt have the luxuries that we do, and how they didnt waste things when food and money were scarce. Then we spent alot of time making shadow animals on the walls in the flamelight, and we laughed alot. We watched our cats and dog stalk eachother in the dark. We watched how melted wax collected on the plate around the candles. Nick learned how there were three shadows cast of everything because there were three candles and light sources, and also how the shadows moved to the opposite sides of the ceiling when the candles were moved in the other direction. At five minutes to nine we were melting a crayon into the flame and observing what it did, and when it was time to put out the candles, Nick learned that a soda bottle upside down over the flame took away its oxygen and it smothered. We learned sooo much and it was almost a shame to end our lesson...lol...and then I realized...it WONT end. Nick said he will be careful now about turning off lights and TVs. He talked about all of this right up until he fell asleep tonight.
I so hope that the wave of chosen darkness that swept the world tonight, makes the difference to other families that it has to mine. You know, we must care for our earth...especially those of us with children. It is irresponsible to use use use and not put back. It seems far off, but it isnt...the damage is occurring as we speak. And everyone of us is a candle lighting up a small part of our world. Everything we do makes a difference...and what happened tonight in my home PROVES it. A little boy gave up something he really wanted to do, because he believed that something he was going to do instead, would make a difference. Now it is my responsibility, and every one of our responsibility, to make sure that little dream stays alive in him, and in everyone...as Cameron Diaz says..."We are the future and the future is bright!!!"
Earth Day is coming in late April...and I put forth a little challenge for you...to try to make a small difference...teach a child to make a difference.
Dare to be one candle.

Affirmation...

This beautiful affirmation was written by a friend of mine back in 2008, for me. Glenroy Wolfson, an older gentleman out of NJ who I initially met in a Lyme Disease support group, but who became a confidant with whom we shared our writings, knowledge and feelings. I still read this affirmation, because I was in the midst of making a drastic change concerning my failed marriage, and it still gives me encouragement to this day...

I am ultimately more than I have been given credit for.

My life is creative and alive.

These gifts effect everyone who knows me or hears from me or is in contact with me.

It shines through me always.

Even when I don't believe anymore-it is there.

Even when someone else might not believe-it is there.

Even when someone else might ask me not to believe-it is there

Even when people treat me as if I am not who/what I am-it is still there.

And myself-the precious original and unique and only one who is or ever will be me

And myself-guardian of the beauty and the love and the life...

will never give away a shred except to share it whole and as it is

I wont let lesser people dampen the flame.

I have the right to feel how good it is in me, and through me, and of me.

This makes the *me* in and of myself, so special.

It comes to others in all I write and say and sing and play.

How thankful I am that the creative spirit found a temple so beautiful and worthy.

-Glenroy Wolfson

Dreaming

In your arms
was where I felt safe
and could rest
with the abandon sleep is supposed to be.
It wouldnt have mattered if we ever touched again,
I thought then,
as long as I could lie close to you
and feel your breath mix with mine.
For the minutes and hours,
days, weeks, months, years
passed too quickly
when we were together.
But I can still close my eyes now
and imagine you
next to me.
I can leave this place of judgements
and drift out into the sea
away from all of that
where its only you and I
in my dream,
but your presence so real
that when I close my eyes
it is your eyes that are closing,
and when my hand rests on my tummy
it is your hand that I feel...

KMQF 4/30/12

SPRING...

From April 2010...

Its Spring finally...a time of cleansing and renewed hope for all creatures, including the least of us...human beings.

For me it is time to reflect on who I am, what i've become, where i'm going. What have I done good...what have I done not so well with.

What are the truths I've accepted as well as denied.

The truth is not always easy to look at...but it is certainly necessary to view in order to change.

Change...usually difficult to initiate...but almost always well worth the decision to follow through with.

Today there are several people close to me, including myself, who are boarding the plane destined to change.

In this season upon us now...a season of change from dorment to alive,

hopeless to hopeful,

meloncholy to happy,

I wish for myself and all those dear to me,

courage

hope

strength

and the spirit of our universe to touch us all...

and to help us see ahead to the better people

we are capable of being...

not just for ourselves,

but for the innocent young lives who depend on us for wisdom and guidance.

And let us be thankful to anyone along the way

who cares enough to gently push us on the way down our paths to change.