Thursday, December 5, 2013

The Meaning of Bittersweet

Bittersweet is like childhood candy,
lemon stinging, but
like sugar on tongue tip.
It's the pain of letting go
and the warmth of memories.
It's remembering a daddy,
but mourning him because he's gone.
It's loving a woman who is mom,
but realizing how different you are than the child she desired.
It's wanting to cradle a daughter once more,
while watching her cradle her own.
It's seeing a son become a man,
recalling how you once were “his girl”
and now adored in the eyes of another woman.
It's loving a little boy so very much,
then accidentally finding his first “love note” from a little girl.
It's tears for love that had to be abandoned,
yet tears for knowing that same love
gave countless, priceless gifts.
It's life with its myriads of tears, fears, pains and pitfalls,
and coming to believe how very beautiful it is
in each and every way.
That is the meaning of bittersweet.


Thursday, September 19, 2013



I've heard many examples
of "assumptions"
..."all musicians smoke pot", not at all, probably not even a third or half...and so what if they do?
..."so-and-so was on drugs so they probably still are", many people quit and quite possibly are better people with perhaps better character than you!
..."that woman's alone so she most certainly must be lonely"...not fact she is free, strong, independent and likely happier than she's ever been before!
..."that person has had various negative problems and struggles, and they won't be dependable and aren't worthy"...untrue, people change their lives through their actions, renewed efforts, and may be the most worthwhile person you ever meet!

“Begin challenging your own assumptions. Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in awhile, or the light won't come in.”       -Alan Alda

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

I Don't Need


I don't need
to be told I'm worth it anymore.
I already know that.
I don't need
someone to rescue me,
solve my problems,
find solutions for me...
I've been doing that on my own.
It just takes me a tad longer...
but I get there.
I don't need
someone to dress me up cute.
I'm quite pleased with my own style.
It's comfy.
I don't need
anyone to awaken my heart
without intentions of following through.
I don't need
to be an option
while someone else decides
if I'm worth the risk.
I am fully aware that I am.
I don't need
someone to spoil me,
or seat me in a fancy car.
The one I have is fine.
I worked for it and it's mine.
I don't need
to fear I'm not good enough.
I know that I am.
I don't need
anyone to tell me to stop talking crazy.
Another person's crazy
may be my normal.
I don't need
to explain my love of my pets,
and animals,
perhaps even to the occasional point of disarray.
Animals are better friends than most people.
They accept me as I am,
even on my worst of days.

I don't need
to compromise my values
while being told it's okay.
I outgrew that mentality years ago,
and it's not okay.
I don't need
vague answers,
confusing information,
Rather than honesty.
I don't need
to spend my time solving riddles,
and seeking clarity.
All I need
is friendship,
and unconditional love.
Because you see,
I no longer sit in the passenger seat of my life.
I'm behind my own wheel.
I may not reach destinations with the speed
some feel I should,
or pursue every goal with the immediate urgency
some believe I need to.
But I know where I'm going,
and I keep on the move,
doing not talking.
I don't need
to dress it up pretty
and tie it up with a bow.
I'd only like someone to believe in me.
Not correct me,
tell me what to,
what to believe,
or change my thinking.
That is not going to happen.


Wednesday, August 28, 2013


Aug. 26, 2013
After an especially exhausting and lengthy debate with an acquaintance on Facebook, I came to a realization and decision that i'd been toying with for quite some time...taking a hiatus from the for me, highly addictive social network.  Over the past several years, the amount of time I spent there had gradually increased, and I was becoming painfully aware of the distraction it was in my life.  Back in about 2003 when I began homeschooling my older son Chris, I made the move into the technological age with our first computer.  I did well for a long time, then I discovered MySpace. I loved how you could personalize your page with all sorts of pictures and sayings that reflected your unique personality.  I didn't go in too much for any deeper involvement with friends, but loved using the site to post pictures, create playlists and write blogs, and promote the bands of friends.  Many changes occurred in my life over the years, job change, health issues etc, but I did notice I could easily spend several hours online without even noticing.

In 2009 I made the switch to Facebook, as people seemed to be drifting away from MySpace and going there instead.  The first few times I tried it I absolutely hated it.  It seemed like there was just too much printing all over the pages everywhere. It looked too "busy" for my ADD preference.  But I eventually grew to like it, not spending much time really, but a fair amount.  
In Dec. 2010, my boyfriend at the time, who had been living with me nearly 2 years, was in a horrific car wreck. He was comatose for some weeks, followed by three months of relearning how to eat, talk and walk. Then I brought him home to care for him. During the whole ordeal I began using Facebook as my "journal" to chronicle all the events, as well as keep family and friends abreast of what was going on.  I later started a brain injury blog, using my posts from Facebook as a way to go back for all the details.  Ultimately, two more years down the road, we separated due to severe behavior issues and I needed to make a choice for myself and my family to move onward alone.  It was painful. I loved him very much.  But I certainly didn't separate from Facebook, in fact I was becoming very addicted. I loved it...all the cute pictures and sayings, the ability to vent and debate issues, and the capability to keep in touch with people I hadn't seen or heard from in years.  I reconnected with nearly my whole high school class, communicated with old and new friends, and joyfully searched for and found family I'd never met.  Through net-working I found several new opportunities to grow as well, through music, acting and volunteerism.  I shared much of my life, shamelessly, since I believe I'd rather have people hear truth straight from me about my life rather than hear gossip from others.  (By the way, I continue to feel that way.)  I was without a doubt, hooked.  

Fast-forwarding to the present, I am alarmed at times how much I feel compelled to sit my arse in front of Facebook, knowing full well there are a vast array of things needing to be done.  I start things, but that little red number next to notifications or messages beacons me time and time again.  I tried to ignore this revelation, but in all actuality I knew it was a problem for me.  I justified it by thinking how many, many others were obviously on all day long too, since whenever I got on, they were already there...  That excuse isn't holding water anymore.  It does not matter what "everyone else" is doing.  It matters only what I'm doing.  I am responsible for my life.  My fancy for venting, ranting and debating needs to be quelled also in my opinion.  So although connections on Facebook have led me to and through a great deal of positive changes in my life, and they will continue to later, a habit needs to be broken.  I'm not leaving for too awfully long...just long enough to prioritize and break the cycle.  Long enough to clear some white noise and social static from my head, and to refocus on what needs to be worked on.

Aug. 27, 2013
Today I let everyone on Facebook know that I was going to be "leaving" for awhile.  I explained why as well.  Many of my closest friends and family commented and sent sweet messages voicing their understanding and encouragement.  I really wasn't expecting anyone to ask me not to go, or to please not stay away long...but they did.  They identified and related to what I was experiencing,  and offered much good luck.  Several left me cell numbers.

Aug. 28, 2013
Today at exactly 5:16 pm, I pushed the deactivate button.  Before doing that I made my daughter an administrator of my two pages and two groups on Facebook in order for them to remain in my absence.  That's ok.  So far I've only been working on this blog project, so I'm not experiencing any withdrawal actually.  I know it will bother me the long overnight hours at work as I sit in dark silence listening to my little patient breathing.  I also know I will be playing a LOT of Words with Friends on my cell phone.  I started a five-day juice fast too, but had to eat a little of the homemade soup I made today because I get such hunger pangs.  It was definitely an electric moment hitting that button.  Hopefully I can keep from "unhitting" it for awhile.

Aug.29, 2013
Its been 24 hrs away from Facebook. Sooo funny...I just sat down here (first time at the computer all day and its almost 5:30 pm) and I was wondering what the process will be when I reactivate.  When I DEactivated it made me answer questions, you know, "Why are you leaving? What did we do wrong?" types of questions. I also had to choose another administrator for my pages and groups lest they disappear along with me.  So I was just curious as to what will happen when I want to come back.  Well, I logged in and figured there would be a reactivate button...well, there wasn't. My page just came back bold and bright, quickly, suddenly it was there!  I felt like I got punched square in the chest. It was like the dreams recovering alcoholics describe having when they find themselves downing a drink...panic mode!  What a temptation...but I did great. I immediately  hit the "little gear" and deactivated all over again.  I didn't peek at the news feed, I didn't do a thing...I just left as soon as I arrived.
This is what I am pondering at the moment.  I have to honestly say I didn't have a hard time today, or even last night at work. I accepted FB was gone and refocused elsewhere.  That does not mean to say I didn't miss the things that were going on...particularly a friend of mine whose daughter is about to have a baby, and my friends in the Lyme community as well as brain injury communities and spiritual friends.  I miss all of them, and my new family I've found in NJ...but its not a "longing and sad" feeling, because I know I will be back.
What I'm curious about though, on a personal level, is why I didn't have as hard a time as I would have had FB been sitting there waiting for me all day...then I would have been feeling the urge to keep checking.  Its almost the same with my smoking addiction.  If I know I have a pack somewhere, they call to me...but if I know there are none around I could care less...I can go 2 weeks and not give it a second thought.  Is this some special or unusual feature of my personality?  Of course, my solution for FB is not going to be to not have it completely.  It serves me many gifts, as long as I can regulate my time spent.  So I suppose I am going to have to figure a way to rein in my desire to be a part of the social network... to make it a realistic and acceptable part of my time spent.  Its very odd, and more will be revealed I'm very sure...

The facebook deactivate I did in August, lasted a day short of two weeks. I broke a habit at the time, and continue to do, well, "ok"
As the cold winter months have come and stubbornly persisted, I have spent much more time here than I'd like, but am confident that when Spring arrives and all the busy plans I have, I'll be able to moderate myself...I hope so anyway...if not, then the above experiment may need repeating :-)

Monday, August 12, 2013


Crossing My Mind

c emod am f
         c              emod
When the first light of day 
   am         f
is overtaking night
        c                emod
And the sunshine beaming in
       am          f
is my first waking sight
  g                    f
Before a thought takes shape
        g            f
and the darkness I escape
        g           c emod am f
you are Crossing My Mind

As I start to make my way
through mornings busy plan
And I muddle through my day
Doing everything I can
There's always something there
I'm constantly aware
You are crossing my mind

em                 f
I know I shouldn't think of it
em            f
perhaps never want for it
g             f
entertain the hope of it
em                     f
but I really just cant help it

you are always
g           c emod am f
crossing my mind

When the day is winding down
and the settling in begins
The cool moves over warm
and the light so slowly thins
In the evening of my day
And the fading of the fray
You are Crossing my mind

I know I shouldn't think of it
perhaps never want for it
entertain the hope of it
but I really just cant help it
you are always
crossing my mind

When its dark and I'm asleep
In my solitude and peace
Even when my mind's at rest
the feeling does not cease
In my dreams I feel so much
Feel your presence and your touch
You are always
crossing my mind

Wednesday, August 7, 2013


Am I ready to switch gears?
hands are made for holding...
hearts created for loving...
romance is meant for chasing...
rules were made for breaking...
When something feels more right
than it feels wrong,
why hide...
I could die tomorrow...
so could you.
Heart on my sleeve,
butterflies in my tummy...
Been far too long
pretending I don't feel it.
Do you feel it too?
I know you do.
And if not
i'll pick up the pieces again
and go on...
he said,
"Gonna be perfect"
...and so it will be...


Tuesday, July 30, 2013


                                                                I hate the stupid head games the younger crowd plays
 "I don't want you at all, then so much on other days"
                                                      They say they need their space and there's reasons why they do
And while they're gone another guy says "she's my girlfriend too"
When I was young I really thought the pain in love was bad
                                                             but looking back I see that puppy love was what was had
                                                        And I went through a lifetime learning how to play the game
and learned that love and playing just is not the same
I hate the crazy hurtful games the younger crowd does play
                                                           "I don't want you most of the time, but I sure do today"

What I Hope...

                                                                                            What I hope...

                                                                                   I'm so hoping he has done
                                                                            something he thought might be fun
                                                                               irresponsible, uncharacteristic
                                                                               a certain kind of weird artistic.
                                                                                  took off just to get away,
                                                                              Turning our sunny skies to gray
                                                                                And he'll be back at any hour
                                                                             And everyone can yell and hollar
                                                                              be mad for his inconsideration
                                                                         of their feelings for just a millisecond
                                                                            and then the hugs come after this
                                                                            The tears and joy and jubilant kiss
                                                                             Cuz can't be mad for this is fact
                                                                                We only wanted Jesse back......

                                                                                         KMQF 7/26/13

Monday, July 15, 2013


Meditation #1

Negative objects, thoughts, situations and people, are like a demon knocking on your door. When you open the door just a crack, you give it a chance to get it's foot in the door, and if you don't push it back and shut the door, negative usually does not trickle in, but instead gushes into you with force, like water pouring into a boat through a hole someone poked there...and the hole grows, and the water has the power to overcome you much faster than you can bail it out. Once you've nearly drowned you must swim to shore and collect yourself, get grounded, come full circle back to positive thinking, before you can venture out again. But like getting directly back onto a horse after you've been thrown, you also can not waste time...must not wait. For the window can close quickly trapping you in feelings of despair. This is what I've learned...and this is what I will overcome. Strength is needed to keep that door closed...even if you have to throw all your weight against it, and the weight of your family and friends, and your faith, stack it up in front of the door like hundreds of pieces of heavy furniture. But however you accomplish it, you must succeed...or the battle is lost...

Meditation #2

It's important to surround yourself with positive wholesome people ONLY...
people you never catch in untruths,
 people who you can feel the vibration of their good character from.
 Learning to develop your intuition and then trust it....
above all, if people show they are not the positive energies that you need in your life, 
you must do all you can to weed those individuals out. 
our bodies, 
souls, minds and spirits, 
are all forms of energy and vibrations...
keep them high

Friday, July 12, 2013

My Wise Thoughts and Quotes

                                                                           I hate it when I think I'm getting strong, 
                                                                                  and then all it takes is a song, 
                                                                         to surround and envelope me in memories, 
                                                                   and within moments all I see is blur on the outside, 
                                                                                 all I see is his face on the inside, 
                                                                                and my face becomes the canvas 
                                                                                       for a pallet of colorless, 
                                                                                                  salty tears

In a hidden world of imperfect people,
the imperfect are perhaps
the most perfect of all...

If I only had time in my life for a man...
man, I'd make only time in my life for you...

Feeling so safe yet so in danger...
Like a storm cellar
with a lockless door...

I think its funny how different music tastes scare different people...
mine do to...
my hard rock scares my mother
my Celtic scares my older son
my rap/hip-hop scares my older musician friends
my Greek and Indian scares my younger son
and my scares all of them.

Sometimes, rather odd occurrences, situations and conversations, lead into other tiny moments in life, that become beginnings of major changes. Sometimes you also become so intuitive about yourself and your surroundings, that you can almost sense this happening directly in the moment. It can be enlightening and even frightening, but it is also an awesome and unexplainable thing. It is almost on the split-hair other side of premonition...

Life is crock full of rules just waiting to be broken.
Some are even begging...

Moments make memories...moments make more...promises and tangled intentions get misinterpreted, but sharing moments means memories no one can say are wrong...

Life and relationships
are indeed an evolution
a continuing circle of relevance
a journey not to be taken lightly
but to be respected
in all full semblance of time.
Not to be continually questioned
yet at times necessary to be so done.
Pain and pleasure walk together
its true
but I believe we have passed
the apastron of our path
and there is one direction now to go
Toward wherever fate carries...

Never wait too long, or take too much time, deciding how you feel about something or someone. Life is a merry-go-round, and if you keep waiting to lean out to try and grab that golden ring, it may be that when you come around again, it is gone....

I love to paint pictures with words...the more intense a moment, a day or week, a month becomes, the more the colors spew forth, hues dark to light, from the palette in my mind, to the brushes of tongue and hand, onto a pale canvas made colorful, decorated with my deepest emotions...

You can't stand in the road of love, which is a human being's most powerful force, whether between man and woman, friends, or mother mother and child. Selfless love is the most pure...when you are as willing to take a needed step back, as you are forward. Far be it from me to ever become an ol' Grimalkin...

There are few things in life that feel nicer than to have someone else care about what you love and do best, what your talent is, your passion, how much you throw your heart into something, to recognize it and tell you it's special :-)

Falling  asleep often does not come easily...sometimes the mind wants to continue down the track like a train, even though the body needs a layover at the station...

Sometimes you must put off the inevitable for as long as you possibly can, and clutch onto the beauty of innocence, knowing that some decisions you resolve to follow through with, have the divine power to change everything...

Saturdays just seem to be my deep-thinking days...when I go over the week past in my mind and either rejoice or fume in despair, or waver somewhere in between, over things that happen or were said. Saturdays seem to be my day for writing...for thinking fearlessly...meditating...wondering...seeing truths. Saturdays are my creative day...

Recipe for success:
Inspired by Nathaniel Mitchel
"Stay on course,
fly high above the clouds,
get to outer space,
walk the moon's surface
cliff note it now
begin the process
Finish what you started
Believe you will achieve."

If only there were a delete button to erase away words said, actions done, and feelings had...
but the human mind holds details like a timestamp...
memories remain to remind us how each moment looked, felt, tasted. 
Nothing can change what is past...and nothing can allow it to leave.
Memories are the only thing on earth that no matter how far they travel away in time, the closer they become to us...

Regarding love,

there is a simple truth:

The longer you've stayed with those those who've hurt you,

The harder it becomes

to trust those who love you...

" I don't care if I'm poor in a monetary sense..
been poor all my life...
it's nothing new. 
But never have I been as rich as I am when writing a poem, 
guiding a wee hand through an arts n craft, 
or listening to my love in the next room strumming a tune and singing. 
These are the things dreams and happiness are made of. 
These are what life is REALLY about. 
This is wealth."



So I've been writing poetry and lyrics, musings etc, all my life, since I could hold a pencil literally. Recently through exposure to friends in the rap/hip hop scene though, I've been trying my hand at a more "rap style" writing. Now I've ALWAYS liked rap, so long as its more clean than dirty, but even though I've always loved that rhythmic expression of thoughts and ideas, I never considered trying it. I think my first tries aren't really too fact I've been told they are kinda good :-) I'm putting them here together...

Ever wish in retrospect
that you put out your neck
and took a chance you maybe shouldn't
because you really prolly couldn't
and then you felt you realize
that if you're really very wise
that you should not regret
cuz better things are coming yet
coming if you wait
take a breath and fate
takes care of everything
under sun
for everyone
and maybe even you

Haterz be haterz
I just say
See ya laterz...
We dropped this
We got this
aint no one can ever
pop this!!

Was thinkin it was me...just me...fallin down and down...
and feelin it might be him, felt like he's about to drown.
Says i'm the one who's like a puzzle
but he's an even bigger riddle.
Thinkin I can't figure out
not seein what his hearts about
Feelin he wants just to protect me
but yet always tryin to dissect me
droppin clues like bombs on me
kinda really scarin me
When I say "Fuck Love" it makes him mad
but if I show it he's so iron-clad
Exactly who is falling here
I dont know, its so unclear
I know its something strong and sure
but i just dont know anymore
We both reach out but then recoil
yet somehow knowing we are loyal
What is this we' enough timere faithful to
a mystery maybe, and very true

I love when we talk tandemly
and you say things so randomly
you knock me out to easily
and rock my world incredibly
and all of that without the touch,
the feel,
of being next to you
The power surge electric charge
the lightening flashing hottest blue!

Tired yet wired
keepin jets fired
somehow or no how
too much to do now
not enough time
panic mode, 
make a rhyme
keep the old
slap notes together
light like a feather
all day this way, but hey
mold language like clay
I guess whats next
always perplexed
eyes still open, or closin
I better get movin
seven days til I'm groovin
inside ima shakin
my heart is quakin
gotta get through it
hafta go prove it
I know I can do it
cant back out
wanna shout
let me out
sorry I said it? I am?
no, I meant it
gotta make time
to rhyme like a chime
write it down, play it out
get it ready, kill the doubt
build it up, send it up, drink it up
the fear, the pride
the smiles, tears dried
success is comin
no more bummin
I'll be ok
work on it today
be happy tomorrow...