Tuesday, March 22, 2016

The Squeaky Shoe...Reminder of the need for Constant change

I got a new pair of sneakers a while back. I like them and they’re comfortable. But only two months in, the right one squeaks with every step. Somewhere along the line my mind connected the squeaking annoyance with certain disturbing thoughts in my head. Thoughts of the future and also some realities. Since then, when I hear the squeaking with my steps, I think about things...perhaps too much...but then again maybe not.
I put my sneakers on each day, to take steps to everywhere I go and with everything I do. I’ve taken an awful lot of steps in the past several years, and have come so far as a person and as a woman. I learned to stand up for myself and for what I believe, and to be firm in my convictions to be as good as I can to and for myself and my family. With all the steps I take through the night or day, whether at work at night, or carrying out my life duties during the day, I remember the steps I also took to get to where I am. I traveled to a place that I reside now, where my balance is still sort of lost and I am like a housefly clinging to a pendulum that is swinging...to and fro...one day too far left and the next too far right. But I keep searching for that balance.
I’ve changed over the past few years. I’ve found that my happiness must come from within and not from the outside. The things I do allow to influence me on the outside are things of nature and family. I’ve also gained a more lucid view of people around me, and the thoughts and feelings they project. I learned to follow my gut, and even if not always pleasant, my gut tells me the truth. I’ve learned in the past few years that because I have a giving heart, I give too much. Yes, it is possible to give too much. My heart is like a vessel that I can not possibly refill as quickly as I allow others to empty it.
My mom and dad divorced when I was twelve. My mom carried on the rest of her life living the mantra that she was independent and happy that way. And she truly is. I never understood it. But now I do. I’ve become this woman...a stranger to myself sometimes...who finally after many, many years, just wants to be my own leader, and is. I will not march to anyone else’s drum. I am happy just being my own human being now. My priorities are working honestly for a living, keeping a household afloat, and being there for the children and grandchildren I created. When things are unsettled in my mind, I am reminded with each step, like a squeaky sneaker, that I need to keep all of this number one.
When there are things in my life that sometimes make me go, “Hmmmm...” I look to my inner self, my gut, and know I need to keep things straight and orderly. When people around me say one thing but it is usually something different...even with the smallest of things...my gut tells me now. I need consistency from those around me. I need for loved ones to follow through...do what they say they will...complete tasks...be completely honest...and not take for granted that I will remind or guide them, or simply just be there to pick up the slack. I need for people in my life to make the effort to help be the engine if they want to ride the train. I simply don’t have the patience for questionable attitudes and over abundances of words followed by half-measures. I struggle the way it is with consistency in my own life. Added inconsistencies in others exhaust me.
With all the issues running through my mind about my life, I worry deeply. I’ve been working hard since the age of fifteen, depending on no one but myself except for a few periods in my life many years ago when I relied on outside help. I never had the pleasure of depending on someone else, even in marriage. I did things myself to assure they would actually get done. I worked when others couldn’t or wouldn’t. I cared for those around me, who were either unable to or sometimes refused to rely upon themselves. And now, I’ve simply grown tired.
I’ve made many awful mistakes through the years in life and as a mother...things I wish I could take back...but those mistakes made me who I am today. We all make mistakes. We all invest time and energy...our hearts...into things that we usually know deep inside may end up fruitless. But we try. I tried.
I have two grown-up children who are trying their best just as I did. And they are succeeding...with every success and failure, they are learning and growing. They were raised with values and work ethic, and also taught kindness toward others. They make me proud of the mother I know I am, every day. One last child still growing up...the main focus of my energy, trying to prepare him for this worsening world...
My squeaky sneaker reminds me with every step how short life really is. I am at odds with myself and my situation. Torn between still desiring love, and the price we all pay for it; the ability to take care of myself and my own, and the debt that builds when you struggle. I worry about changes in my job and how it will affect my life and the life of my kids...making choices...choosing my battles. I worry about my kids making it in this world...whether their stomachs are growling, or they are looking in the mirror questioning their worth, or crying themselves to sleep at night. They are my reason for carrying on.
I feel a great time of renewed meditation, and choices coming upon me...time when I must search my soul yet again...when I must continue to weigh one thing against the other...get totally honest with myself about many things...and do what is right for me. It’s a time when I get really depressed, because of feelings of uncertainty and turmoil.
And thankfully, I have this squeak in my sneaker to keep me on this train of thought. It’s not always pleasant...but it always will help me remember to focus on the light.





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