TESTS

And so the tests of love go on. 

Tests, always tests. 

And always for me it seems. 

Forever dodging and forging. 

Nothing ever stays simple for me. 

Never easy. 

No matter how basic I try to go 

or how I attempt to keep it...

always something. 

Even in supposed perfection there are those areas that demand flaws. 
In the pit of my tummy 

and in my silly lovetorn heart, 

fear rumbles...bile...

threatening to spew. 

The test of love being in all the tightness of my clutches, 

can I set the bird free. 

Not only release him 

but even send him off with kisses and fanfare...

because that would be what's right for him. 

The shell ive fortified long ago to house my lifeless heart, 

will remain awaiting its return. 

In tears and agony I can go on. 

Perhaps i should have known what foolish game I played...

ELEMENTS

And then it happens...

that moment when you fold;

You've worn out your tough mask...

Worn during this stronghold.

You've displaced many bricks...

In your "nothing can touch me" wall.

Determined to take or give nothing,

Now giving completely all.

First an opening where love could peek in,

Then allowing him to pull you through.

Now here he is...this creature,

of the most fascinating, beautiful hue.

Who's so very much more passionate

In so very many more ways

Then you'd ever imagined a man to be,

On the strings of your heart he plays.

His mind, his soul, his body...

A man able to stir in your heart

every single emotion that lies there

both together or when apart.

Who can probe your mind, make you think about things

In a way you've never before.

He can coax a smile when your mood is low.

He is able to unlock your door.

But he can also entice you

into a moment of frustrated rage

with word, opinion or attitude.

Then just as quickly turn your page.

He can caress the depths of your soul

With a simple smile and touch.

You'd never have ever believed tis true

How you could love someone so much.

He will focus with stubborn intent

on whatever task he's involved...

and even your presence oblivious to,

until the problem resolved.

But just like that, he circles back,

reassuring in his love.

You fit heart to heart in a precious hug

like a hand fits into a glove.

That moment you fold, confess your need,

with emotion that makes you weep...

You tell him you can't ever let him go,

and this love is one you must keep.

Then with a kiss to your forehead, 

with eyes gazing  into your own,

He tells you his love will always be strong,

His devotion to you he's shown.

And later alone, quiet, tender time

when your deepest love you share,

As he holds you breathless you truly know

he's your water, earth, fire and air...

-Kathleen M Quinn-Farber

 11/17/14

Dramatic Exit

I had the most awful scary thought.

You said you were in love with me

that you'd be back the next day.

But you haven't called or text in over a day.

Haven't answered.

I'm getting the silent treatment...

Not even a returned I love you.

You said many things to reassure me that night

While you made your dramatic exit

speaking in metephors

missing only was a background score.

Only this isn't a movie...its my life.

I am able to give time and space

As much as you need

Because I love you.

But a haunting thought lurks...

Were the promises and assurances told only to get out the door?

And is that how easily it can be done?

Just spoken like cold lines in a script...

Then you're gone...

And if so, how will I ever trust again?

-K.M.Q.F.

12/15/14

I Am That Child

I am that child

The one torn between people I love

"Mommy didn't mean that, Daddy"

"Daddy doesn't mean that, Mommy"

Words between people

Situations

Bitter tears

A tragic merry-go-round

Ending in an end.

I am that child

The one listening

but not wanting to hear

The one crying when no one is looking

The crying no one wants to see

or validate

Peacemaking

dragging her feet desperately trying

To make it end.

I am that child

The one smiling

pretending it doesn't hurt

but feeling the sting just the same

Caught in the middle

confused

unsure but sure

loving yet despising

eyes darting to and fro

waiting for an end.

I am that child

Fearful of trusting

yet trusting too much

Exhausted by thrown words

thumbs crammed into ears

The same pain

from long ago

here and now

Like something that never ends.

I am that child

Fragile at heart

feeling betrayed

yet moving on

Seeing what's not spoken

feeling what isn't explained

Allowing the outside

to hurt my inside

In the end.

-K.M.Q.F. 5/17/15

The Glass Wall

There is a glass wall

where people look in

and they see what you say

but dont feel what you feel.

Like a two-way mirror

they think that they know

but they don't really know

what you feel

They are not in your skin

or your heart

or your soul

and they just dont know...

-K.M.Q.F.

5/30/15

FRAGILE

Fragile

like the powdered wing of a butterfly

that crumbles so easily under just the slight touch

of even a gentle fingertip.

Love can be so full of strength...

like a wind that is difficult to walk against,

or a gush of water that pushes your hand away

when all you want is to catch a bit in your palm.

But love is a delicate tapestry

strong,

yet so weak.

Hearts once resilient with youth

grow tattered like a flag flown too long,

And like a tattered flag,

even though meaning so much,

can fall to threads.

Love is a fragile puzzle.

It is different for each of us...

the way it plays out,

the paths it takes.

No one's missing piece will fill the spot in your heart,

and no one's definition

fits your love...

Love is fragile.

It is not to be judged

or solved

or completed

by anyone but you and whom you have in your heart.

To allow anything

or anyone

to force their puzzle piece into your empty place,

means the crumbling of a butterfly wing....

K.M.Q.F

5/23/15

This is Wealth

 I don't care if I'm poor in a monetary sense..

been poor all my life...

it's nothing new. 

But never have I been as rich as I am when writing a poem, 

guiding a wee hand through an arts n craft, 

or listening to my love in the next room strumming a tune and singing. 

These are the things dreams and happiness are made of. 

These are what life is REALLY about. 

This is wealth."
-K.M.Q.F.
5/21/14

Scattered Laundry

...and sometimes I want to just gather him up 

like scattered laundry outside, 

blowing across the yard in the wind...

simply heap all of him in my arms...

take him inside, 

and tell him he is home now...

Stainless Steel Sinks

                                                                        400 years after the final demise of humankind, 

nature will have all but reclaimed its entire earth 

and the only evidence of us left littered across the land 

will be old cell phones 

and stainless steel sinks...

Returning is Joy

Although i have a quite different view...of religion and spirituality...than some of my conventional Christian friends...i have the core belief that Jesus was one of the wisest men to ever walk the earth. The parable of the prodigal son... True... Sometimes one strays from what matters most...but it is never lost forever. Returning is joy. Welcoming open arms are bliss. Return to self... Because life is full of distractions...but if you listen to that voice inside, it tells you where you must go. Only the most courageous are brave enough to comply...

WRITER

So what this all actually means, 

I've just realized, 

is that I've gone from someone who writes, 

to a writer...

from a person who should "write a book" as I've been told countless times through life, 

to a published book author...

from a girl with a dream, 

to a woman who makes dreams concrete. 

But most of all, 

it means I've set off down a highway and am entering the heavy traffic now via my unique on-ramp. 

I'm not wandering a country road anymore. 

Writing is transforming from something i like, 

into something i can't stop. 

Something i crave. 

Something that i must commit to now daily...

like a marriage...

like a child...

it becomes part of who i am forever....

Stale Bread

Always be mindful 

as to what you are investing so much of your time, heart and money into. 

Sadly, 

oft you are simply filling someone else's gap of need, 

perhaps even being used as a stepping stone, 

a convenience, 

or a vice to entertain other desires. 

Don't waste your life buttering other people's bread, 

when your own loaves lie growing stale. 

- K.M.Q.F.

The Squeaky Shoe...Reminder of the need for Constant change

I got a new pair of sneakers a while back. I like them and they’re comfortable. But only two months in, the right one squeaks with every step. Somewhere along the line my mind connected the squeaking annoyance with certain disturbing thoughts in my head. Thoughts of the future and also some realities. Since then, when I hear the squeaking with my steps, I think about things...perhaps too much...but then again maybe not.

I put my sneakers on each day, to take steps to everywhere I go and with everything I do. I’ve taken an awful lot of steps in the past several years, and have come so far as a person and as a woman. I learned to stand up for myself and for what I believe, and to be firm in my convictions to be as good as I can to and for myself and my family. With all the steps I take through the night or day, whether at work at night, or carrying out my life duties during the day, I remember the steps I also took to get to where I am. I traveled to a place that I reside now, where my balance is still sort of lost and I am like a housefly clinging to a pendulum that is swinging...to and fro...one day too far left and the next too far right. But I keep searching for that balance.

I’ve changed over the past few years. I’ve found that my happiness must come from within and not from the outside. The things I do allow to influence me on the outside are things of nature and family. I’ve also gained a more lucid view of people around me, and the thoughts and feelings they project. I learned to follow my gut, and even if not always pleasant, my gut tells me the truth. I’ve learned in the past few years that because I have a giving heart, I give too much. Yes, it is possible to give too much. My heart is like a vessel that I can not possibly refill as quickly as I allow others to empty it.

My mom and dad divorced when I was twelve. My mom carried on the rest of her life living the mantra that she was independent and happy that way. And she truly is. I never understood it. But now I do. I’ve become this woman...a stranger to myself sometimes...who finally after many, many years, just wants to be my own leader, and is. I will not march to anyone else’s drum. I am happy just being my own human being now. My priorities are working honestly for a living, keeping a household afloat, and being there for the children and grandchildren I created. When things are unsettled in my mind, I am reminded with each step, like a squeaky sneaker, that I need to keep all of this number one.

When there are things in my life that sometimes make me go, “Hmmmm...” I look to my inner self, my gut, and know I need to keep things straight and orderly. When people around me say one thing but it is usually something different...even with the smallest of things...my gut tells me now. I need consistency from those around me. I need for loved ones to follow through...do what they say they will...complete tasks...be completely honest...and not take for granted that I will remind or guide them, or simply just be there to pick up the slack. I need for people in my life to make the effort to help be the engine if they want to ride the train. I simply don’t have the patience for questionable attitudes and over abundances of words followed by half-measures. I struggle the way it is with consistency in my own life. Added inconsistencies in others exhaust me.

With all the issues running through my mind about my life, I worry deeply. I’ve been working hard since the age of fifteen, depending on no one but myself except for a few periods in my life many years ago when I relied on outside help. I never had the pleasure of depending on someone else, even in marriage. I did things myself to assure they would actually get done. I worked when others couldn’t or wouldn’t. I cared for those around me, who were either unable to or sometimes refused to rely upon themselves. And now, I’ve simply grown tired.

I’ve made many awful mistakes through the years in life and as a mother...things I wish I could take back...but those mistakes made me who I am today. We all make mistakes. We all invest time and energy...our hearts...into things that we usually know deep inside may end up fruitless. But we try. I tried.

I have two grown-up children who are trying their best just as I did. And they are succeeding...with every success and failure, they are learning and growing. They were raised with values and work ethic, and also taught kindness toward others. They make me proud of the mother I know I am, every day. One last child still growing up...the main focus of my energy, trying to prepare him for this worsening world...

My squeaky sneaker reminds me with every step how short life really is. I am at odds with myself and my situation. Torn between still desiring love, and the price we all pay for it; the ability to take care of myself and my own, and the debt that builds when you struggle. I worry about changes in my job and how it will affect my life and the life of my kids...making choices...choosing my battles. I worry about my kids making it in this world...whether their stomachs are growling, or they are looking in the mirror questioning their worth, or crying themselves to sleep at night. They are my reason for carrying on.

I feel a great time of renewed meditation, and choices coming upon me...time when I must search my soul yet again...when I must continue to weigh one thing against the other...get totally honest with myself about many things...and do what is right for me. It’s a time when I get really depressed, because of feelings of uncertainty and turmoil.

And thankfully, I have this squeak in my sneaker to keep me on this train of thought. It’s not always pleasant...but it always will help me remember to focus on the light.

Many Shades of Gray

The world is not black and white. It is many shades of gray. There is morally right and legally right. They are not always one and the same. The true test of humanity and values is to decipher one from the other and hence to stand tall for what you know is right. You may pay for this in unpleasant ways...but your soul will sing...because you've followed the spirit of truth...
-K.M.Q.F. 3/20/16

A Thousand Years

He's an artist,
and a musician.
He's a weirdo,
He's a writer,
and a scientist in his own reich.
He talks too much,
or not enough.
He goes to bed full of thoughts,
wakes up with ideas,
and crazy hair.
He loves his ears touched,
but never his feet.
His smile makes the sun shine,
his foul moods feel like danger.
But never toward me.
He is warm like hot coal,
and cool when needed.
He is odd yet
so familiar...
he's been beside me for a thousand years
yet arrived in my recent world.
My soul searched forever,
but he was here all the time...

K.M.Q.F.
3/22/15